What matters most

and why

Hey!

I’ve been off my newsletter game due to some personal things that came up right after the fires. January has been a weeeeeeeird, tough month.

That said, no excuses. Let’s get to it. This one’s about how I’m learning to focus on what matters most and why.

My pops and me.

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Family call

About a week and a half ago, I was on a group WhatsApp call with my immediate family. My sisters, parents, and I dialed in from different places: My mom was on the East Coast visiting relatives, my dad was home in the Bay, my sisters called from their respective homes with their respective partners/dogs/kid. I was in LA with Patrick.

My family does a lot of group video calls like this. Maybe more than most. This kind of began during the pandemic when we started Zooming with extended family after our 100-year-old grandfather, my mom’s dad, passed away in May 2020. Not due to covid, thankfully, but the pandemic and its stress on the hospital system in the Philippines where he lived did not help the situation.

It was a really sad time. I ended up producing a virtual memorial over Zoom. Little did I know that wouldn’t be the last time I’d have to do that over the course of the pandemic.

After the memorial, my family continued to meet over weekly Friday night Zooms for quite awhile. When the world started opening up, everyone slowly began returning to their “normal” lives, and fewer and fewer people showed up to the call each week.

My immediate family kind of migrated over to WhatsApp, where we share photos, links, and news, and where we hop on group calls almost every week if we aren’t too busy. I’ll admit, the calls can get overwhelming but I enjoy it overall and am glad we get to do this together.

Our call a week and a half ago was different though. Out of nowhere, my dad started experiencing a pretty scary medical thing, which freaked us all out especially since he was home alone. I don’t want to get into it here but I’ll just say it concerned me enough to hang up and call 9-1-1.

Thankfully, just as I was connected to local emergency services, I got texts saying he was fine. I hopped back on the call and he seemed okay. Just to be safe, my youngest sister, who lives about an hour away from him, drove over and spent the night, despite my father’s stubborn, grumpy protests.

A few days later, I went up to visit with Patrick. It was an excuse to get out of LA and breathe some fresh air (which got pretty bad here during the fires) but also to check on my pops.

Happy to report my pops was and still is doing well.

I was happy to spend last week with him. I hadn’t visited him and my mom since the fall. So we did the usual things we do when I visit home. We ate long dinners — he’s become a really good cook in recent years (thanks to mom who has set the bar pretty damn high). On this visit, he made bomb Filipino sinigang and spaghetti.

We had long conversations — most likely with a glass or two (or ??) of wine. We would have sung karaoke but I don’t trust his new machine that gives him a 100% perfect score almost every time (it’s rigged). We walked down a nearby trail — something I had to force this homebody to do but I think he enjoyed it in the end.

View from our winter walk in the Bay.

My parents are in their late 60s. They are exactly 30 years older than me. This incident was a real wake up call and reminder that they are in the third act of their lives.

It’s sobering to realize that your parents are aging. That you might be running out of time.

No cheese here but…

This whole thing with my dad, just after the fires, and amid all this other stuff going on in my life, forced me to think a lot about what matters most to me.

I tend to bury myself in work and work becomes the thing that matters most.

I’ve missed family events because of work. I didn’t visit my parents enough because of work. I missed my grandfather’s 100th birthday celebration in October 2019 in the Philippines because of a podcast launch and a whole host of reasons including that I planned to visit him in 2020 before his 101st birthday in May. You know what happened next.

I don’t totally regret not being there. My last trip to the Philippines was in 2014 and I spent time with my grandparents in their home in the province. I am glad we have that memory to share.

It would have been great to have gone to my grandfather’s centennial though. My sisters told me that my grandfather shared the wildest stories. Everything from family lore to musings on sex. I guess at that age there are truly no more fucks to give.

During one of these funny exchanges, my grandfather’s big advice was to “work until you die.” He was indeed a work-until-you-die kind of guy.

In World War II, while in his early 20s, he bootlegged wine and was part of a guerrilla group that defended their small town. He built a successful business and grew to become a beloved local elder who gave scholarships to students in need. He was a family man, very much an old school Filipino patriarch with all those old school issues. Of course, I remember him most as a doting grandfather who took us out almost every weekend on trips where we went horseback riding in Tagaytay or waded in a water park called Splash Island.

I don’t know how people balance it all like that — work, family, life, etc. I felt like my pops did the same thing. Maybe it was easier back then. Maybe it’s cuz they were dudes. Maybe I just don’t know the full story.

I, on the other hand, can barely get enough sleep, let alone make it through the day without feeling anxiety/stress/like shit. I may not have changed out of my pajamas today, if I’m being honest.

First world millennial problems aside, while I do love what I do and dream of doing more, I recognize that there are things that are more important in my life than titles, money, and success.

I do not want to be a work-until-I-die person. I want to be the kind of person that lives a balanced life, and that includes spending time with my parents and the people I love. That is what matters most to me.

This trip was a step towards prioritizing this, but I don’t want to wait until another emergency to visit. I’m planning a family trip later in the year and hope to visit my folks more before then. I will try not to get too down on myself if I don’t get to these things right away or if I mess up and get bogged down by work.

There will still be the phone calls and I’m going to try my best. I guess that matters too.

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I’m feeling a little braindead today so excuse me if my writing seems random and/or all over the place. This month has fucked me up but I’m slowly getting back into the groove. February will be a good reset and I will aim to get back to my regular schedule on here too.

In the meantime, here are some random things I recommend plus a gig alert:

• Meals at Houston’s Pasadena are top tier. I hope this doesn’t blow up but it’s always poppin’ anyway so I don’t so want to gatekeep it from cool folks like you who subscribe to this letter. I went recently for the first time in awhile and had the grilled chicken salad. My usual is the crispy chicken sandwich and a martini — either the house special with sauvignon blanc or a dirty with gin. First heard about this spot via

  Blackbird Spyplane
  actually. It is still probably the best rec I’ve ever gotten from the ‘sletter.

• Sleep. Slowly getting back to a normal rhythm post-fire. Sleep was hard to get that crazy week and it’s something I have been really trying to do better even before then. Good for your brain, body, etczZZzzZZz…

• Have to plug the latest trailer for Sinners, an upcoming film produced by Proximity Media, a.k.a. my employers, and written, directed, and produced by the boss man himself. We’re doing all sorts of fun things on the socials so give us a follow if you haven’t already and get your butt in a theater seat when the film comes out on April 18.

• I shared this in a note but I’m looking for a creative agency that specializes in social media for podcasts, digital content, and film/TV to help expand our brand and community online through great visuals (graphics and videos), smart copy, and podcasts. More here. Serious inquiries only, please and thanks.

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